Ohhh Lord, please help me not harbor this awful hate in my heart for another. Help me love, help me forgive, help me forget them and help me to move on.

it’s funny, this life we live.
who honestly knows why we’re here…
but the point is that we’re here.
sometimes the simplest points are the most sufficient answers.

if i could have one thing, it’d be your love
i’d do anything to have you confide in me
all i want is to be your safe haven
but my effort is making me your hell and misery
i’ve always heard
if you love someone, you can let them go
never has made sense to me
to let someone you love just get away…
i cannot let you go because i love you
to let you free would bring me to captivity
misery has consumed every bit of every bit
and it’s my own doing…
my own doing…
love is misery
misery is love
the worse thing in this world is to love one who will never love you back
to care and give and receive nothing back.
i have to learn to give and not expect
anything but a disappointing smack
you’ve really hurt me
but what hurts most is that i’ve become a burden
i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry
maybe one day when i get better, when i’m happy, you’ll want to be around me.
strangely, that’s one of the few things that continues to motivate me to get well.
that people will want and enjoy my company.

not directed toward anyone specific. not meant to mean anything particularly.
just a bunch of desperate words running together in attempts to create a meaning.

how is it that some naturally carry joy within their souls while others spend their entire lives desperately searching for it?

i would give anything to carry joy within my soul.
anything.

i want to be unknown.

is it really so strange to simply want to do something for the sake of doing it? to do something and not rub your name all over it so the focus is on you instead of “it”? whatever your “it” is, photography, giving, loving, singing, writing.. whatever, let the focus remain where it should. it’s not about who produced it, it’s simply about the final product. the final outcome. the end result.

and with no name attached to it.

i want to be unknown. i want to let my pouring out, my creative productions, whatever it is, make an impact. it’s not about who created it. it’s about what was created.

one of the worst things is this: as a photographer, you take people’s pictures. well, it bothers me when people get angry because their name isn’t placed everywhere the photos are placed. like if someone you took a photo of posts that photo somewhere such as myspace or facebook or something, and the artist who took the photo complains because their name isn’t there with it. they aren’t getting credit. they aren’t the focus… their work is. i myself believe you should always give credit where credit is due, but i don’t believe we should seek recognition. if you happen to get recognized, great… but don’t force recognition or greatness upon yourself.

let it fall upon you, you don’t need to fall upon it.

i feel too human

Everything has it’s time…
Everything has it’s purpose.
Be still gentle soul, be still…

it’s a time for randomocity!

A question I was asked not too long ago:
What is the best gift a person could give you?

My answer is their time. All we have is time. Time is precious. And for anyone to just sit down with me and devote even 10 minutes of their time and energy and attention to me is the biggest blessing ever.

Leave a comment and let me know what the best gift is that a person could give to you!!

Also, a few random blobs of words-
-Learn to take three steps forward (probably some of the best advice I’ve received in a long time…)
-I have an excessive amount of split ends and really need to get my hair cut. But then I think about people who do not have hair, and how much having some split ends would mean to them. Their split ends would mean that they have hair, and that it’s theirs. So, I guess I should learn to appreciate my split ends.
-I wonder if my soul is hiding things from my brain. Like, the wonders of whats beyond our world or if God randomly popped out of nowhereville or if a tree falls and no one hears it, does it still make a sound?

A letter to those I love and cherish…

To everyone in my life:

I appreciate you. I know I don’t act like I do, but I really honestly do. And I’m sorry I push you away when all you’re trying to do is love me. I’m sorry I blame you for my problems. I’m sorry I get angry about things that are silly or small or my own fault. I tend to do that often. I’m in a bit of a rough place in my life right now. Been there for a while. And I’m sorry to those who have continuously reached out to me only to be ignored. Some of you have seen me write that I have no friends and etc., and that’s not fair for me to say, especially when you keep inviting me places and I say no. It’s all in my head that no one cares, and I know a lot of you do care. I love you all so much for that. For loving me even though I’m crazy and don’t make one bit of damn sense. I even occasionally get dramatic about stupid stuff… as if I was 12 years old or something… I hold grudges about pain you’ve caused me long ago and it continuously builds up until I can make a big deal out of something small. What I need to do is tell you as soon as I can when you’ve hurt me. Not wait until you’ve hurt me 10 times and then explode and expect you to just magically know why I’m so angry and hurt. I need to see from your perspective and not assume how you feel and how you see me. I need to ask you what you mean if I’m unsure instead of assuming. I need to be more open. I need to smile real smiles instead of faking them because I’m uncomfortable. I’m continuously stepping out of my comfort zone… BUT, not in a way that truely makes me uncomfortable. If it makes me socially uncomfortable, I don’t step out. I need to be strong and not depend on you all to make me strong. I need to rely on God and not you. I can’t throw my burdens on you… I have to give them to God. And most of all, I’m sorry I haven’t listened to you or understood or truely accepted. I say I’m a listener and am understanding and am all about acceptance, but when I really look inside myself, I see that I am none of those things. I’m selfish and am all about me. Alllll wrapped up in myself.

So, please, accept my appologies. I am truely, TRUELY sorry for all the annoyance, hurt, aggravation, sadness, anger, confusion, or anything else I’ve caused you. I’ll try to not be so needy, because I’m realizing how horribly needy I am. I want to bring you joy, I want to help you find happiness and laughter and help you escape from your burdens and stress.. not burden and stress you out even more.

Once again, I am sorry. I hope you will forgive me. Don’t tell me I don’t need to appologize, because I do. Please just accept that I’m sorry.

Can we just start over?

…….Hi, my name is Ashley. What’s your name?

Ohhhhhh, how desperately I am craving this beautiful camera. Soon, my love, sooooooonnnn you shall become mine!!

a few recent journal entries

Recent journal entry 1-

Recent journal entry 2-

Today I watched a tree become as dry as my bones. Leaves fell like skin; one by one, piece by piece. The limbs began to dance in the wind, seemingly unaware of it’s nakedness… showing off it’s vulnerability. I suppose trees have no sense of shame nor pride. Their happiness lies within their roots. Then I thought to myself… maybe I could do the same. Dance with no shame, and learn to let my happiness come from my veins.

And last but not least, recent journal entry 3-

crave me like you do her
crave me as i do you
it’s not that i want you
but that i need you to keep breathing.

she doesn’t love you…