the truth is, and it’s the only truth i’ve got, is that i need you much more than you need me. in fact, you don’t need me at all. that’s why it hurts so much.

i wish people cherished plain out honesty instead of ignoring it. the truth isn’t as bad as you think.

Things aren’t really going my way…
but are they going God’s way?

That’s the question I keep having pop into my little ol’ noggin.
And I also wonder why… why I’m at this place I’m at right now. Why I’m doing what I’m doing. Why I bother getting out of bed at all, when all I do after getting out is remain alone. I crave relationships. I crave people to be around me. I crave people to love me. For people to want me around and to call me up and invite me to join them in whatever it is they are doing.

And I’m tired of people telling me that I just need to put myself out there, call people up, ask them to do something. Telling me that I have to take the initiative. I don’t hardly have the motivation to wake up each day. What makes you think I’ll have the motivation to beg people to be around me, to love me? Everytime I call someone and ask them to do something, the answer is always “Oh man, I’ve got so much to do. I’m really tired… sometime later in the week… ok?” and then they never keep that promise of later. And then I find out that even though they were too “tired” to be around me, they weren’t too “tired” to be around others. I just want someone to hear my heart, to see that I’m not this person who is contained and quiet and no fun… to see that I’m really crazy and loud and silly. I’m just too scared to be me and no one will give me enough of their time to allow me to lose that fear.

Excuse me for craving interaction with human beings. Please forgive me for having the same desires you hold within your heart. I’m sorry for being human just like you.

I think it’s funny how these people who refuse to reach out their hand to me are the same people claiming to be followers of Christ. They are the same people who are passionate about the world’s problems and the people in some other country. Followers of Christ? More like followers of religion. Too selfish to actually give of themselves to the causes sitting right beside of them, that are within grasp. All I know is that Jesus never said no to the hurting, lonely, the rejected and brokenhearted. If you claim to be a “follower of Jesus Christ”, then you better be willing to never say no to the hurting, lonely, the rejected and brokenhearted. If you are proclaiming to the world that you are a “follower of Christ” but you are saying no to the rejects, then you are a hinderance to the furthering of God’s kingdom. You are showing people that since you are a “follower of Christ”, that Christ would be saying no to the rejects. Who wants to come to a Savior who says no when you are broken?

Be what you say you are or don’t be it at all.

just a bunch of random tidbits of writings from my journal lately:

-i woke up 2 hours ago, but i’m still asleep
eyes wide open, but i still dream
laying in bed with 2 feet on the ground
aware of things stirring, oblivious to the sounds

-you’ll be ok
don’t let life get away
and don’t let it win
before your life begins
somehow, happiness is going to find you

-the world has been screaming the answer
from the moment i asked the question
and it’s kind of silly, how simple it is
kind of strange, all of this hesitation
and though i’m sure many will disagree
with what will make me happy…
well,
i’d be lying if i said i cared.
breath…
let go.
there you go.

-hello unknown
i’m a fish out of water
waiting for a kind fisherman to pass by
and guide me back to the river

-a long long time ago,
i met a bird who had a song to sing
a story lived along it’s journey
if you’ll listen, i’ll pass it along
…started with a girl like you, i believe.

-do me a favor?
stop breathing so loud
while i sit here suffocating,
with no air to be found.
could you please possibly share?
toss me a little air?

-i want to feel existant. i want to know the stars are really as big as we think. what is big? what is small? without comparison, we have no knowledge of the answer, nor do we have the question. in similar way, without comparison, i think i’m beautiful and i am happy… when i simply am, instead of a question.

i don’t think i believe in my existance, and if i am existant, then there isn’t really any reason to believe my existance is of any importance. there’s just as much reason to doubt as there is to believe.

perspective.

-kind eyes, whisper me sweet nothings
no need to speak, i know what you’re thinking.
entrance me, romance me within my dreams,
with a beautiful raspy voice, heartfelt melodies you sing.

-”would have. the most useless words in english.” –The Sons of Adam by Harry Bingham

I feel so young and out of the circle. So many people I knew from high school are getting married or having babies. So many people around me are living their dreams or making them a reality. I’m simply making no progression. But in saying that I am reminded of something a friend always says, “Progress is not always forward motion” (–Lauren Stonestreet).

But still, I wonder. Am I making any progress within my lack of motion? Or am I simply wasting time working on someone else’s dream… Nothing is honestly holding me back but, well, me. I’m scared to put myself out there. I’m scared to try in fear of not succeeding. I’m scared I won’t be good enough to be what I dream. I’m scared of rejection. I’m scared of stepping into the leader I am. I’m scared of making the wrong decision. I’m scared of regretting the happenings of my life when I’m on my death bed. I’m scared no one will believe in me. I’m scared no one will tell me the truth, or if they do, it won’t be the truth I wanted to hear. I’m scared my voice won’t be what I wish it to be.

But really, what do I have to lose?
But you know what….

I think I’m just scared of myself.

I hate that I’m clothed in this fear. I hate that I’m clothed in this depression. I hate that I can’t get myself out. I hate that I can’t do it on my own.

Help a lady out? :)

I have recently entered 3 of my photos to JPG Magazine into 3 different categories- “House”, “Fairy Tale”, and “Zen”. You all would be doing me a huge favor by clicking on the following pictures and voting for my photos that I entered!! It will only take a second and would mean a lot to me.

Please pass this on to everyone and anyone you can, please! Post it on your blog, myspace, e-mail… anywhere you’re big ol’ heart pleases.

Thanks so so so soooo much!!

tidbits of thoughts

-Some people will never change, and that’s ok. Just know I’m moving forward and am leaving you behind. When you need me, I won’t be there.

-”Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed at this great horde, for the battle is not your’s but God’s” –2 Chronicles 20:15

-I’m going to quiet my soul. That’s what is best for me at the time. I’m learning & seeing that it’s usually best to just hold back in most urges. It’s best to simply live. Express and create simply for the sake of doing so, for yourself. Do nothing in expectation. Criticize no one. Offer kind words.

myvoiceofpraise.etsy.com

Incase you are unaware, back in July of this year I decided to begin selling vintage items on Etsy. Clothing, accessories, fabric, home decor, and etc. Soon I’ll be selling handmade clothing made by yours truely.

Now, why am I doing this?

I’m trying to save up to buy a Nikon D80. So far, I’ve made about $50. At this rate, I’ll get enough for the camera and lenses in about 9ish years, hahaha. I’m assisting a friend photographer of mine in a wedding at the end of this month and will be getting $100 for that, so random things along the way will help a bit as well. Anyways, if you could, please take a look at my etsy shop and if you see anything you like, PLEASE consider making a purchase! Also, if you have an etsy account, adding my shop to your favorites could be helpful

http://myvoiceofpraise.etsy.com

Also, if you chose to join the site and create an account either as a buyer or seller or merely for the fun of making an account, please be sure to enter my etsy username in the referral prompt when creating your account (myvoiceofpraise). It’d be much appreciated!!

the incline

I’ve been thinking quite a bit lately about what exactly matters in my life, and now within this thinking, I’m beginning to filter out the people, emotions, problems, stresses, etc. that fall into the “doesn’t matter” category. A desire to simplify has entered my spirit, and that desire has been welcomed. Hesitation cannot be present any longer and I just need to live without reguard to how you or anyone else choses to live or view my living.  If I’m going to be here in this world, there is no reason for me to not be present. Life is about liberation and obtaining a free spirit filled to the brim with beauty. Beauty is a combination of things both ‘good’ and ‘bad’. Beauty is a mixture of joy, sorrow, a certain amount of unhappiness and self-consciousness, humility without being aware of possessing it, meekness, boldness, being strong and weak, imperfections, failures, a timid form of pride, both days full of tears from pain and days full of laughter caused ones. Beauty is breathing extra deep as you tilt your head back a bit to get a glimpse of the moon on a walk back to your car when no one is a around. It’s being goofy and silly and kind when unaware that there are eyes watching. Beauty is captured best when it’s not expecting to be seen. Beauty is the journey we are all currently on. Our paths are not the same and the roads twist in different ways and go in different directions, but just remember that we are all similar in being on the journey.

I’ve also come to the conclusion that you cannot chose to be happy. Happiness isn’t a choice. It’s all about where you are in the journey. Not about where you chose to be. Where you are is not a choice. It’s simply a matter of fact. Chosing to be happy is in more ways than one a state of deception. Saying you are happy when you are not is like saying you are in China when you are in America. You have to be ready to be happy. That readiness will not come until it simply comes. It’s coming is unplanned, undecided, and comes out of no where. Runs into you full spead with no regard to your choice.

Choice is a matter of readiness and it being the right time. Therefore, instead of saying, “Just chose to be happy, focus on the positives!”, be compassionate and realize that the proper words are instead, “Are you ready to be happy?”. My answer to that question, if asked, would be no. Do I want to be happy? Yes, of course. But I am not quite ready yet. I am yet still in the incline, not quite in site of the peak, but I have a sense, a feeling, that it is just a short distance away… just out of my view, but still I know it will be present in the near future because it has to be. The peak doesn’t have a choice but to appear. A mountain is a mountain. It’s just a matter of fact that as a mountian, it simply has an incline, a peak, and a decline. The incline being the struggle and the path of preparation and anticipation, the peak being the rest, the ability to stop holding your breath, the breath of fresh air, the place you’ve anticipated and prepared to reach, because you knew it would come because it didn’t have a choice but to do so. The decline is the steady journey back home… and that never ends. Our entire lives, once the peak is reached, is spent in a steady decline back home, not to the start of the incline, but past it… not returning to it, but passing it and heading home.

The level of compassion presently stirring in the world is very low. This is, of course, merely my personal observation. It’s my comprehension of the events I have experienced lately and the way the people involved in those experiences have reacted. I’ll give an example of something that happened a few weeks ago but I won’t say names. And please know I am not bitter about this. It’s just an experience I have the right to share because it is my experience. The person involved was simply involved. The experience wasn’t the same for them so it doesn’t belong to them in the same way it does to me. Anyways, I recently told a friend about a situation I’m in that desperately requires people to devote a certain degree of their caring to. After I told them, I knew they couldn’t truely help me and I didn’t expect them to inconvienience themselves to help nor care to any significant degree. About a week later I was having a really rough time and called them hoping they’d just merely be with me that evening. They didn’t even need to offer any form of comfort or anything, I just needed there physical selves in my presence. That’s all I needed. They couldn’t do that for me though, and that’s fine, but their reasoning was off. They told me that they TRUELY cared about my wellbeing, but then stated that they aren’t in the place to help me (which, btw, I wasn’t asking for help, I was asking for them) and that they are too selfish to be of any help. All I could think was “you care, but you’re too selfish?” Doesn’t that translate to “I don’t care because I’m too busy being selfish and caring about me?” I personally am not in the best place to help friends who need help but if they needed me I’d be there in a second anyways because I love and care about them. Love is not selfish and uncompassionate. I actually after a few days of thinking about it, eventually found their reaction to my need disgusting and repulsive. Althought I am not any bit perfect in my compassion, I have the ability to be compassionate and do not selfishly give out my compassion selectively. That situation really actually broke my heart because it openly said “I don’t actually care, I just feel the need to say I do to make you feel better.” Lies do not make a person feel better. Lies are not a reasonable substitute for the truth. Please know I am past the events that occured and that I forgive them and hope they’ve forgave me and am sorry about the situation occuring… so to the person who might read this, please know this isn’t an issue any longer. But yeah, not only compassion within individuals. Just community lacking it. It’s not even about possessing compassion abilities because you can have the abilities, but until you give out your compassion it does no good.

Anyways, I have no conclusion to this incline post. This is just my interpretation of a small portion of my personal incline journey. The peak hasn’t been reached, so the conclusion to the incline will not come until it just does.

So, the journey continues…

 I couldn’t have said it better myself…

 

[I found this postcard on Postsecret.com. You can find the link at the bottom of my page.]